Tuesday, 3 March 2009

You know you have been in Australia too long if...

You understand the expression "the bigger the hat, the smaller the farm".The shorter the nickname you give to someone, the more you like them.You know it's not a genuine Australian saying unless it involves a paddock, a lizard, or a rat.
You think a flash sports car driven by a middle-aged man should not incite envy - as in America - but hilarity.
It's not a picnic without a bull-ant climbing up your arse.
You refer to your best friend as "a total bastard", while your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
Whether it?s the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no event which cannot be improved by the addition of a sausage sizzle or a barbecue.
You expect all hamburgers must contain beetroot.
You think it's better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
You interpret the phrase ?we?ve got a great lifestyle? as meaning everyone in the family drinks too much.
If the bloke next to you is swearing like a wharfie, he?s probably a media billionaire. Or possibly a wharfie.
You understand there isn't a single food which cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
People with red hair should always be nicknamed ?Blue?, just as short people should be labelled ?Lofty?.
On the beach, you hide your keys and wallet by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. Australia has some really stupid thieves, (or really stinky sandshoes).
Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the milk crate.
You can't work out why all the best heroes are losers.
You think the Alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbeque tongs from the hands of the host, and blithely begins turning the snags.
You don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
You like the beer served so cold it makes your ears hurt.
You think a thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of footwear. Thus a group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs is no longer as exciting as you might once have hoped.
A gum leaf, crushed in the hand, is the best smell ever.
Historians believe that the widespread use of the word ?mate? can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or ?mateship?. Alternatively, we may all be just really hopeless with names.
You hope to choose a partner who is attractive not only to yourself, but also to neighbourhood mosquitoes.
If it can?t be fixed using panty-hose and fencing wire, it?s not worth fixing.
All parties, in however grand and well-prepared a house, will be held, cramped and noisy, in the kitchen.
The most popular and widely praised family in the street is the one that just happens to have the swimming pool.
A swallowed fly, while disgusting, must be greeted with the plucky comment: "Um, protein".
We invented everything in the world worth inventing, but then sold the copyright to the Yanks.
You think that smearing toast with a spread that?s black and salty, and which has the appearance of axle-grease, is a good way to start the day.
You think that every older Australian has a bulldust theory involving ants, a Kookaburra laughing and the likelihood of rain, and every theory is the direct opposite of the last one you heard.
If invited to a party, you take cheap red wine, but then spend all night drinking the host?s beer. Don?t worry, he will have catered for it.
If there?s any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you?d think yourself an idiot not to go.
Every surname, brand-name and motor-car spare part must be shortened to the point of incomprehension, as in the phrase: "If I hadn't stuffed the diff I'd have taken Blacky to Maccas."
You realise the Aeroguard is far, far worse than the flies.
Despite the Geography you think of Australia as being somewhat out of place within the Asia-Pacific region; surrounded by unstable ex-colonial nations who regard you as racist, imperialist, and unfairly wealthy. You regard extreme anti-Australians such as Mahatir Mohammed very irritating.
You regard New Zealanders as basically our naive country cousins, who talk funny and for some bizarre reason, think that they invented pavlova. They are to be pitied and laughed at. They have no hope of gaining the upper hand in the endless sporting rivalry between our two nations.
You think Americans are loud and supremely ignorant of Australia (all they know about us they gained from Mick Dundee); British and Europeans in general are more quiet but pretentious and cowardly.
You've ever mimicked Alf Stewart from the TV show Home and Away's broad, Australian accent, eg. "push off, ya flamin' drongo!"
You've ever had an argument with a friend over whether Ford or Holden makes the better car!
You've done the "hot sand dance" at the beach while running from the ocean back to your towel.
You start using words like "reckon" and call people "mate".
You stop greeting people with "hello" and go straight to the "how ya doin' ?"
You've seriously considered running down to the shops in a pair of Ugg Boots.
You own a pair of ugg boots.
You've been to a day-nighter cricket match and screamed out incomprehensibly until your throat went raw.
You know the national anthem by heart, sing it at every opportunity (sporting events in particular) but don't know what "girt" means.
You have a story that somehow revolves around excess consumption of alcohol and a mate named "Davo" or "Bruce".
You've risked attending an outdoor music festival on the hottest day of the year.
You've tried to hang off a clothesline while pretending you can fly.
You've had a visit to the emergency room after hanging off the clothesline pretending you can fly.
You don't know what's in a meat pie, and you don't care.
You pronounce Australia as "Stralya".
You call soccer soccer, not football.You've ever sucked your coffee through a Tim Tam (for those who don't know, a variety of chocolate biscuit, one allegedly "better than sex").
You realise that lifeguards are the only people who can get away with wearing Speedos.
You pledge allegiance to Vegemite over Promite.
You understand the value of public holidays.Your weekends are spent barracking for your favourite sports team.
You have a toilet dolly.
Your Mum or Nan made it.
You've played beach cricket with a tennis ball and a bat fashioned out of a fence post.
You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok, and have told a mate in tough times that "She'll be right, mate".
You use the phrase, "no worries" at least once a day.
You constantly shorten words to "brekkie", "arvo" and "barbie", as well as all names...
You've adopted a local bar as yours.
You know the oath of mateship can never be limited by geographical distance.
You measure a journey in beer, not kilometres or time. (That's a 3 beer trip mate).

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D